The Ultimate Banjo Joke Compendium

This post is dedicated to my friend Joel Specht. Ever since the Olitsky & Moskovitz concert last month, my son has been obsessed with banjo jokes. During one of the MANY tuning breaks, they asked the crowd to fill the time by telling their favorite quips about the old five-string. Joel told many that night. I've been trying to remember them, along with best ones I've heard over the years for when my son asks again, so I thought I'd make this list.

Question: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Answer: Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.

Question: How do you know if the floor is level?
Answer: The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

Question: What's the difference between a banjo and trampoline?
Answer: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

Question: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
Answer: When you can throw a banjo into a dumpster without hitting the sides.

Question: How do you know when a banjo player is at your door?
Answer: He can't find the key, and he doesn't know when to come in.

Question: How do you tune a banjo?
Answer: No one knows.

Question: What's the difference between a banjo player and a large pepperoni pizza?
Answer: The pizza can feed a family of four.

Question: What do you call 20 banjo players buried up to their necks in sand?
Answer: Not enough sand.

Question: What's worse than a banjo?
Answer: Two banjos.

Question: What do you call a thousand banjos at the bottom of the sea?
Answer: A good start.

Question: How do you tell the difference between a banjo solo and a root canal?
Answer: Good question.

Question: What did the banjo player get on the SATs?
Answer: Drool.

Question: What do you call a banjo player with half a brain?
Answer: Gifted.

Question: Why is a banjo better than a fiddle?
Answer: It burns longer.

Question: You're lost in the desert, and you see Bugs Bunny, a cactus and a good banjo player. Who do you ask for directions?
Answer: Might as well try the cactus. The other two are figments of your imagination.

Question: What's the difference between a macaw and a banjo?
Answer: One is loud and obnoxious. The other is a bird.

Question: What is the definition of a gentleman?
Answer: Someone who can play the banjo, but doesn't.

Question: Which of the following doesn't belong: Herpes, Measles, AIDs or banjo players?
Answer: Measles. You can't get rid of the others.

Question: What do you call a beautiful woman on a banjo player's arm?
Answer: A tattoo.

Question: When do banjo songs sound the best?
Answer: When they're over.

Last one: A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator and asks the bartender, "Do you serve banjo players here?"
The bartender says, "We sure do."
The man says, "Great. I'll have a beer, and a banjo player for my alligator."

This obviously isn't a complete list because banjo players make the boldest claims but always come up lacking. What's your favorite banjo joke? Share in the comments!

[Editor's note: The above images were sourced from "the internet" and may be subject to copyright. If anyone knows the true source, please let me know, as I would prefer to have proper attribution.]